National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day – My Story

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. Last year was the first time I had heard of such a day, although I’m not surprised that there is a day to remember and honor the memory of the children who have passed and their families as well. This topic is certainly one that many struggle with unfortunately, my family have been greatly effected by this as well.

On November 24th it will be 5 years since my miscarriage, and even though it may seem like a long time, I remember the turn of events as if it was yesterday. Miss A was only 6 months old at the time, and I had a suspicion that I may have been pregnant from the usual signs, tender breasts, being extremely tired, and the lack of my monthly, although I was still breastfeeding so this wasn’t a sure sign either way, {but of course any of those signs can also result from being a new mom too}.

Because of my suspicions I took a pregnancy test that, looking back now, should have clued me in.  The result was one dark line and one very, very, very, very faint line. I decided to wait a few days to see if the test was faulty because the result was so “shaky” and lo and behold the test came back with only one dark line = not pregnant.

I assumed I was not pregnant until I actually started to have labor pains and heavy bleeding. I tried to wait the labor pains out, but they continued to get worse. After sitting in excruciating pain for what seemed like hours at the emergency room it was confirmed that I indeed was experiencing a miscarriage. The term the doctor used was a, “blighted ovum”, but to me it didn’t matter what medical terms were being said, my heart only felt loss.

Although this baby was not planned, I could only think of the amazing joy having Miss A had brought me and all of the, would have, could have, should haves came rushing into my brain. I felt guilty, as if I should have been more responsible, I wondered if I wasn’t breastfeeding if that would have saved the pregnancy {even though I didn’t know I was pregnant}, I felt a deep sadness, and even more so when my body completed the miscarriage at home, that was the biggest point of sorrow for me. Even as I type this now, 5 years after the event I remember each moment and my heart is sad, but believe it or not, there is some rejoicing.

I know it may sound unbelievable or unreal,  but I have been given a peace that this was the right thing to happen for me and my family. Who knows if this would have been a horrible pregnancy for me or this baby if I had gone to term, or maybe something in the future that no one, but God could know about. Either way, something was wrong and only God knows the true reasons this pregnancy ended and frankly, I’m okay with that.

Of course I still hold a place in my heart for the little one that I didn’t get to meet, but I know that we’ll meet them in Heaven, and God has so greatly blessed me with two beautiful little girls that need my love and care and I have made Him a promise to take good care of them.

The biggest message I can leave with you today if you are going through loss or have been there and are still mourning is that you are not alone. You-are-NOT-alone. God is the healer of every wound and only He can make you whole again. He wants to fill that void in your heart and comfort you. This world is a sinful world and many bad things will happen to us, none of us are immune even if we do believe in God, but if there’s a chance that we can believe in something greater than ourselves, why carry the burden on our own?

Please consider turning to God for peace, and remember there are so many amazing services available to help support and lift up those going through the loss of a child, please don’t be too proud or think your problems are too big for others to help.

There are many people in my life who do not know this story because I am pretty personal about most things, however I felt that if it had the potential to help someone else then I should not keep this to myself. I pray that my experiences and this story will resonate with you or someone you know.

If you have a story of loss or how you’ve managed your loss I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.